My top tips

Here are some of my suggestions [link]:

Protect your own health:

• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
• Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next cigarette from the butt of your last one.

Avoid obesity:

• TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

Be responsible for your own safety:

• SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
• WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

When driving:

• A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.